i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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