smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Are we in a gay sports bar?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
