Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I have demons in me.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
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it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
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I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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