her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
