I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
