He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
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He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
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A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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