my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She told me I should be a condom model.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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