just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
