Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
