we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
