I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
