I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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