Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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