He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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