life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
