btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Randomize
