Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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