Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
