I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I got inside last night via doggy door
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
