I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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