My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
