hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
