Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
