$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
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I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
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Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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