my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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