You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
