So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
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Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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