Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
