She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
