i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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