we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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