Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
