He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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