My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
