I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
