So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
