Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
