I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
