You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
