I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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