Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
