... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
