This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
