Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
