how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
