i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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