Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
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The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
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I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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