I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
