so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
