All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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