Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
