Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
