We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm just crazy horny about you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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